


No Distraction

by petitepos



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, not very bad but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3758968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitepos/pseuds/petitepos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I think I've fallen for my best friend. Hard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(You can read this as whatever pairing you want, I've written it as Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie  but haven't used any names so...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Distraction

11:24

I give him one last hug before he walks out of my front door. He puts his  backpack with his pyjama in it on. Not that he needed them. We fell asleep around 3 in the morning, talking, while I was curled up against his side. It feels really nice to lie against him. I shout goodbye at him as he disappears behind the houses in my street.

 

17:57

My mind wanders off to yesterday. _Maybe I liked it a little bit too much to hang on him when we were listening to music on the couch. Maybe I like him more than I thought._ I laugh. I’ve decided a year ago that I don’t feel about him in that way. Anyway, it isn’t even possible, I’m not gay. _But what if I am?_ I grab the remote and turn the volume of the TV up.

20:18

I feel the water of the shower streaming down my back. _But what about all those times you were standing just a little bit too close to him? Talked to him in way that’s just a little too flirty?_ I quickly turn off the shower and grab my towel. I walk to my room and get myself dry. This is ridiculous. I really need to stop thinking about him this way. I put on a pair of pyjama pants and go lie in bed. My pillow still smells like him.

 

21:45

I turn around again, push my face in my pillow. _He smells so good._ I sigh in frustration. This has to stop, I can’t continue thinking about him this way. I’m starting to feel a familiar feeling. Fear. _If he were here he’d calm you down._ I get out of bed and walk downstairs. Maybe some tea will calm me down.

 

 22:38

Great, my parents have send my upstairs again. I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth. _Maybe he likes me._ I stare at my reflection. What’s wrong with me? We’re good friends, nothing more than that. _Are you sure you don’t want to be more than that?_ With a deep sigh I put my toothbrush down and drink some water. The fear is still there, and it’s only gotten worse.

 

23:27

I can’t sleep. My whole body is shaking and I can’t calm myself down. I drink some water from the glass besides my bed. Maybe I should ask someone for help. I grab my phone from my nightstand and open WhatsApp. I click on the conversation with one of my friends. I take a deep breath and type the whole story to her. The sleepover, the doubts and the panic that followed. Within 3 minutes she is online. I hope she can help me.

 

00:01

**> I really need to go to sleep now**

**< Oh, sure**

**> are you gonna be okay?**

**< Idk, I don’t feel great but I think I’ll manage.**

**> Allright than, good luck.**

**< thanks, bye**

**> Bye**

I close WhatsApp. Maybe I should go to sleep as well. I might feel better when I wake up. The shaking hasn’t gotten less, just like the tight feeling in my chest. This is awful.

 

01:59

_Shit. Shitshishitshitshit._ I can’t stop shaking. I feel like I’m going to faint. _Make it stop. Please make it stop._ My head is so full. Thoughts are flowing into other thoughts, one screaming even louder than the other. _You like him. You’re gay. If he finds out he won’t talk to you anymore. He hates you._ I pull my knees up to my chest and try to slow down my breathing. _Fuck._ I grab my water again and start drinking, trying to calm down. _Is this a panic attack?_ All I know is that I want it to stop. I don’t know how.

 

02:36

I grab my phone again, open WhatsApp. I need to talk to someone, before I go insane. I select another contact, hoping he is awake. I tell everything.  That i’m afraid I’m in love with him, that I’m panicking and that I don’t know how to stop.

**> Try to distract yourself, go listen to some music.**

_That’s actually a great idea._

**< Thanks, I’ll go and do that.**

**> Take care man, And you canna pp me if something is wrong again.**

**< Goodnight, and seriously, thank you.**

I close WhatsApp and open Spotify. I click play and Tyler Joseph’s voice comes through the speakers.

 

“I'm forced to deal with what I feel.

There is no distraction to mask what is real.

I could pull the steering wheel.”

 

I quickly turn of the music again. This isn’t working.

 

03:49

I feel like I’m going to cry. I’ve turned on the lights, and I’m sitting in my bed instead of lying down. I’m watching a movie on my phone, as a last method of distracting myself. My head is still full. Suddenly there’s a knock on my door. _Shit, I’m fucked._ My mom walks into my room. She asks why the light are still on. I tell her that I might be having a panic attack. _I’m not gonna  tell her that I’m afraid that I’ve fallen head over heels for my best friend._ My mother tells my father to go sleep in my bed, and I go lie in his bed. Slowly I’m calming down again. _I’m not alone._

04:02

I can feel myself falling asleep. _Shhhhh, it’s going to be okay._ I smile, close my eyes and let sleep take me away.


End file.
